110509

16. Because now that I'm fatter than ever, I hate myself more than I've ever hated myself before!

I'm so deep down in depression. i cry and cut like never before. Wrists. Hips. Thighs. Ribs. They're all slit, covered in cuts. I can't stop. I need to see my psychologist now. But I'm afraid she'll have to tell my parents if I show her my cuts. And I can't tell her I'm suicidal, because then she'll definitely have to tell them. I just wish I had someone to talk to who couldn't tell anybody. This one of the extremely rare moments when I wish I was religious, cause then I could tell a priest and they would be forced to shut up about it!

I can't do this anymore. And I can't stand being around my family. And everyone in school knows I'm a freak cause I break down there too. But my family does not notice. People I hardly know notice, but they don't. My teacher sees it right away. BUT THEY AHVE NO FUCKING CLUE! The think I'm all good now, that I'm happy. That shit was just a phase. Yeah right. I'm a fucking mess. NOTICE

15. To prove that I am devoted enough to something to reach my goal!

Hey nobody (yeah that's right, nobody reads this, sooo..),

Here I am, fat, depressed, and drowning in course work. I have a really bad day today when it comes to looks. No matter what I do I feel ugly. Like extremely ugly. I've changed clothes like 20 times, I've put on my favourite outfits and all, but I hate myself in them anyway. Fuck it!

Can't be bothered writing, too moody -.-

110505

I don't know how many times I've said this, but Man it's been a while!

Haha, haven't posted shit in ages.

But here i am, fat as fuck and totally depressed. I am suspecting Manic Depression. I go from periods of almost euphoria to total downers. So yeah I'm down now. Cut every day, deeper and deeper, and break down crying for no obvious reason, and have very frequent panic attacks. Life kinda sucks right now.

But how about picking up the reasons where I left off?

14. Because I'm happier when I'm thin.

Oh and I have an awesome summer planned! I'm going to work in Greece for 9 weeks, in a bar! Then hopefully taking a detour through Holland on my way back home and staying there for a week with my best friends!

I might come back soon, I will try!

110101

A new year begins, and it is time for new experiences, new friends and new mistakes.

I certainly started out with new mistakes. Well really it was more like old mistake repeated again... I never learn, do I?

And jeez, I haven't updated since September, do I suck or what? So much has happened since then. I fucked things up with the guy I was talking about. Well he was my New Years kiss, but I don't know what that was supposed to mean. He asked me for the kiss, and he kissed me again later, but he is so unpredictable, next time I look at him he's with a fucking fat bitch and they're like all over each other, then he comes back to me and begs me to stay the night there so he could see me in the morning. I mean WTF, make up your mind dude. I'm confused enough as it is already.

100918

One again it's been ages. It's been something like 3 weeks this time.

I've decided that I'm over that absolutely amazing guy/man I met this summer. Instead I have a guy in my class that fucks up my head now. He's really sweet and nice and good looking and all, and we're really good friends. One week ago we were out with friends together and I ended up spending the night at his place and yeah I guess you can figure out what happened. Anywho, this week in school has been so awkward, because none of us knows where we stand and what the other one wants. We always just see each other around other people and it's frustrating. One second everything is great, just like before, and the next it's all tense and weird. Fuck!

Also, my dog is dead. He died this Tuesday. It sucks. I miss him, my big beastie...

Oh and I've gained an unknown number of pounds and I feel massive. And having a super skinny new girl in my class isn't helping my self esteem much. I mean seriously, look at this girl:

Honestly, how is is fair? And she's in my class, I have to see her everyday and my jealousy is like endless.

100829

I suck. I'm hopeless. I can't even keep a blog updated regularly. I was gonna apologize. Then I realised there's nobody to apologize to as nobody really reads this shit anyway.

So all I'm gonna do today is post a picture that shows the difference between me today and me in early February.

100818

Oh fuck the reasons. There are too many to catch up with now. I suck, I know.

So I got back from Malta 6 days ago. I miss that place like hell. Well I miss the people even more. Especially the one person. Fuck. Why do I always have to do this? Falling for guys who live too far away and are "too old for me". I'm hopeless. And he's amazing. Fuckfuckfuck. Don't know if I'll ever see him again. But we did make a deal last night that no matter what, we will see each other again. Some time.

I'm addicted to Owl City - Vanilla Twilight because it describes exactly how I feel right now.

When I came home from Malta I was on my period so I was heavier than I should've been, so I could see how much weight I'd really lost. It only showed 2 lbs now. I hate periods. That's one of the very few good things about mia, when I'm in that shit I hardly ever get my period.

I haven't b/p in ages, don't know when the last time I did that was. Sure I've purged, but not binged. I'm proud. I'm still too fat though. 110 lbs. I need to go lower. Now.

100807

Dont have time for reasons now, I'm in malta and I'll catch up on them when I get home.
Anywho, I'm deff thinner now than I was when I left sweden, so thats all good. There/s a lot of party and little food. Im happy. Cant write much more now. Sorry.
xoxo

100801

13. Because fat people are disgusting

It's 4:23 AM and I can't sleep. I'm too excited about going to Malta today, plane lifts in 10½ hours, omgomgomfg. I'm so stoked! And I'm hungry. Haven't eaten properly since Thursday, today it's Sunday. So all I've eaten since then is two small sandwiches yesterday. I feel awesome though. I need to be skinny when I'm gonna spend 11 days on the beach and in the clubs.

I am now 113 pounds, so I am losing, and I want to lose 9 more pounds before school starts on August 20. probably not gonna happen, but you can always hope eh?

100731

12. Because I want people to see the real me, and not the fat hiding it.

So today I've had two small sandwiches, water, green tea and coca cola zero. It's 5:45 PM.

Tomorrow I'm off to Malta with my friend Alexx for 11 days. We're gonna party. A lot. My plan is to eat nothing but dinner everyday, which will probably be noodles, so that's okay. I can't fast completely because I hate drinking on an empty stomach. And I'll probably end up purging most of the nights to get rid of some of the calories from the alcohol, and prevent hangovers.

Now I'm off to make and throw away dinner. Bye.

100730

I did it. I fasted all day. I feel awesome! But I must admit my head is spinning and my body is weak. I biked like less 700 metres or something and I got blood taste in my mouth. I'm on top of the world! I'm getting on the scale tomorrow morning and I better be lighter, at least a little.

100730

It's 7:35 PM and I still haven't eaten. I am starving but I will successfully fast today. I've told my sister I'm eating with my friend and I've told my friend I'm eating with my sister. Easy queasy! And I'm down 1½ pounds, so I'm "only" 114½ now.

100730

10. Because you can't be too skinny, only too fat.

11. To prove that I can be good enough.

Yesterday started out okay, I had no breakfast, then Thai for lunch and lettuce for dinner. But then I binged/purged. Damnit.

Today I've had nothing so far and it's 1:37 PM. Feels good. I hope I can keep it that was. Probably can't though. But I'll do my best.

100728

9. Because I want people to turn their heads in jealousy!

Current time: 1:01 PM

Foods I've had: None

hope today will be good.

100727

8. Because bones are beautiful.

So today I went shopping with my mum. I bought some shoes, underwear, over-knee socks, a bracelet, etc. It was a good day.

For breakfast I had green tea and two slices of toast (no butter). And for lunch/dinner 2/3 of a foccacia. Plus like 6 hours of constant walking. Okay day I guess.

xoxo

100726

6. Because I'm terrified of getting fat

7. Because any piece of clothing looks better on a thin person

See, I missed one day and now I put up two reasons. Today I've only had breakfast so far, but dinner is coming up. I managed to trick my mum into letting me skip the cream sauce chicken she's making and have left over tomato sauce chicken instead. Good shit.

100724

5. Because fat is unnatural

So today I've had breakfast. Too much of it. Spent the night at a friends place and yeah, she knows I used to have problems, so can't fool her really... Now nothing until dinner!

100723

4. Because it's one thing that I can control.

So today I woke up at like 3pm. Tonight I am going to my friends place and I told my mum I'd have dinner there, which is a lie. She forced me to eat dinner at 4 anyway, as I hadn't eaten at all today. And while we ate she started yelling at me about my eating again. I'm so sick of her right now. So yeah I had planned on not eating today but yeah that didn't happen, and then I ate 85 cals of ice cream like a second ago. Thinking about purging it. I think I will. Ice cream is so easy and kind of fun to purge. LOL, am I sick or what.

100722

3. Because thin will always be in.

So last night I was forced to eat dinner at home. I decided to make the best of it and skip the sauce and my mum went crazy. She started yelling at me about my eating in front of our neighbour. She said she'd noticed me eating less again recently. Hello, what??? I have been eating more than usual, I have gained 6 fucking pounds since June, EWW!! She also said that if I'd "fall back" into my ED she wouldn't let me go to Malta (where I am going in 10 days and I'm planning to fats as much as possible). I just wanted to slap her so fucking hard across that stupid face of hers when she said all that, in front of our fucking neighbour!!! Screw her. Then later we were gonna watch a film, and then I had to eat some candy because if I wouldn't she'd go even more crazy. She was too suspicious, it wasn't worth taking the risk. I felt like a fat failure though, I still do. 116, I mean that's gross. I need to lose. Now.

So today I haven't eaten anything so far, but I guess I'll have to eat dinner later on... Fuck. Good thing is I'm hungry, not even a little.

I will be skinny again.

100721

2. So that I can feel strong.

I finally stepped up on the scale today. 116 disgusting pounds. I am fasting today. End of story.

Anorexia Nervosa by kissmyeyes on Polyvore.com