090822

I've been pretty good at skipping meals without my parents noticing, for breakfast i usually have an apple on the bus and for lunch either nothing or some "filmjölk" which is a Swedish thing that is kind of like a yoghurt with almost no fat and no sugar and low calories. My new friends kind of noticed me not eating. One day I had normal lunch, and one girl went like "wow, first time I see you eat". Then of course I have to eat dinner, but I can usually manage to throw at least half of every meal since I finish school so late, so I have to eat alone, cause the others in my family eats earlier. But this weekend I've had to eat way too much, cause I've had every meal with my parents, so I feel fat!

Since my scale broke I've had to check width instead of weight. So, my wrists are 5.2 inches, my waist is 23 inches and I don't really want to tell you the width of my thighs, but since I promised to be totally honest here I guess I have to, so the fattest part of my thighs are 16 inches >.<

And about the smoking thing. I'm trying to quit, it's driving me crazy! I don't think I can handle it, but I'm really gonna try as hard as I can.

Today I've spent hours, just crying because I hate this goddamn country so much, I just wanna get away from here right now. I don't know how I'm gonna survive 3 more years of this crap without committing suicide! Seriously, there's nothing good to it, whatsoever! I miss Malta, I miss England, I miss all the great people there. Swedes are the most boring pathetic people I've ever met, same goes for the country! No wonder it's the country with the second highest number of suicide cases in the world, everything about this country is just depressing. If someone told me I had to stay here for the rest of my life, I would end this life as soon as possible! Whatever you do, never move to Sweden!

xoxo

090816

I'm proud of myself! I haven't had a proper meal for about a week now. And on Tuesday I'm going back to school and that also means going back to skipping breakfast and lunch easily, then it' just dinner I have to suffer through, but I'll manage.

I miss Malta and all the people there so much, it really was the best 3 weeks of my life! Since I got home I've had mental break downs and hysterical crying attacks cause I want to go back so badly, I'm seriously going into depression! In a couple years though I'm hopefully going back as an EF-leader, that would be awesome. And I'm probably going to Malta for holiday next year as usual.

And about the smoking, remember I told you how proud I was for quitting? Well I screwed that up. Malta turned me into a chain smoker! Maybe because it was so easy to get cigarettes there and I had no parents around to check on me. So now I have to suffer from being totally addicted again, I'm trying to kind of quit again, but it's not that easy...

xoxo

090813

I'm not doing so well...

090812

So, I'm home from Malta now, and I think I lost pretty much weight, though I can't check cause my scale is broken >.<

The last day at the beach I fainted because I hadn't eaten anything and drank way too little. It felt proud of myself in one way, fainting like that means I managed to push myself to the limit! And according to my friends I've lost loads. Malin got pretty scared when she saw how thin my arms has gotten. But I'm far from satisfied, I still get hysterical break downs, I need to lose more, cause as it is now, I can't look at myself in the mirror without seeing too much fat. it has to go!

xoxo

090804

Atm I'm at Malta, I've been here for a little over 2 weeks and I'm leaving on Sunday. So far it's been good, with just a few little incidents like Saturday night when my room mate found me lying on the bathroom floor with a razor in my hand and my wrist all messy...

The food is horrible as expected, so I think I've lost a few pounds :D

I don't have much time left for this, I've only got like 10 minutes, so I'm gonna end it like this, I'll tell you more later

xoxo

090715

Okay I'm officially a year older and 8 bloody pounds heavier. The last part makes me depressed, though I think I have solution... In 5 days I'm off to Malta on a language travel thingy, which means no parents for 3 weeks, no mum checking on my meals! And one other positive thing is that from what I've heard, the dinner they will serve us is horrible, so I wont even be tempted to eat much of it. My goal this summer will be weight loss, if I'm lucky I'll reach down to the magical 100 lbs, or even below! The first thing I want to get rid of is my thighs, they're huge, it's a genetic thing and I hate it, they have to go. EF has a few scheduled sports tournaments like volleyball and stuff, I'm totally joining in. Sure, I suck at sports, but I need to move my body to burn calories. I'm gonna do this, I would kill to be skinny again!

090607

I'm having a bad day.

Today I've spent most of my time crying, I'm in a crappy mood and I just want to be left alone, which seems like an impossibility in my house. My sister is everywhere, she wont leave me alone, not even when I'm taking a shower!!

Just had a fight with my mum about food, she annoys me to death.

And I ordered my new phone today, and I'm changing phone company. For some reason they wont let me keep my old number as they promised. So now I'm getting a new fucking number! As if that wasn't enough, I've always had an 076-number and now I'm getting an 070-number, please just kill me.

I think I suffer from a panic disorder, cause I've had these really weird attacks lately when I've been stressed out. I've just been shaking and crying and had headaches.

At least school will be over soon
Prom - 2 days
Graduation - 4 days

Oh and I need to go to my job and get my summer schedule, I keep forgetting about that all the time...

xoxo
Elin