091116

Long time, no see eh?

Well I've been very busy. School's taking up all my time, it's crazy. Pretty much all I do is study, and yet I'm failing maths and biology, which sucks, since I need both subjects for next year. Maths will only be Studies Level, so that's cool, but I will have to do Bio Higher Level. I. Will. Die. For sure. Bleehh!

I've finally started exercising. I walk 7 km, 3 times/week. And quit smoking on ordinary days, I'm only a party smoker now. As for the food bit, I only eat one 'proper' meal every day. I've only lost 1 pound since last time though, which is far from enough. I need to lose at least 12 more to begin with! My goal now is to get skinnier than Carolina, a girl in my class. She is so beautiful and skinny, I really envy her! She denies it though, she says I'm skinnier, but I'm really not. But one day I will be. I've got this year school year to reach there, then she'll be moving to Brazil for a year and I will have nothing to compare with. It's game on now, I'm gonna do this, no matter what it takes! Arrgghh!

I wanted to keep all my problems a secret from my new class, unfortunately I screwed up. They all know about my panic disorder now. I had an attack in English this Friday. I started shaking and crying, screaming at my friend to get me out of there. It sure made people whisper and stare at me the rest of the day. Luckily people seems to have forgotten about it over the weekend. But of course I screwed up again in history today. I was a bit more discrete this time. I just started shaking and asked my teacher, choking on tears, if I could please leave because I wasn't feeling well. But that was enough to attract unwanted attention again. I've been getting worrying texts all day from people wanting to know what happened and if I'm okay and blahblahblah. I'll do my best to keep my nerves under control for a while now..

xoxo

091004

Hey...
I know haven't been blogging for ages, but I've been so busy with school, I haven't even had time to see my friends, so now they hate me, and so do I. Why? Because I've gained weight again. At the end of the summer I was skinny, but now I'm 113 bloody lbs!! Fuck it! I need to go down again...

Well, enough about that, it's only making me depressed.

I love my new classmates, they're all awesome. And this one girl, Iza, is just as crazy and weird as I am, which feels kinda good.

I'm sorry, but that's all I have to say for now, I need to go back to my homework.

xoxo

090822

I've been pretty good at skipping meals without my parents noticing, for breakfast i usually have an apple on the bus and for lunch either nothing or some "filmjölk" which is a Swedish thing that is kind of like a yoghurt with almost no fat and no sugar and low calories. My new friends kind of noticed me not eating. One day I had normal lunch, and one girl went like "wow, first time I see you eat". Then of course I have to eat dinner, but I can usually manage to throw at least half of every meal since I finish school so late, so I have to eat alone, cause the others in my family eats earlier. But this weekend I've had to eat way too much, cause I've had every meal with my parents, so I feel fat!

Since my scale broke I've had to check width instead of weight. So, my wrists are 5.2 inches, my waist is 23 inches and I don't really want to tell you the width of my thighs, but since I promised to be totally honest here I guess I have to, so the fattest part of my thighs are 16 inches >.<

And about the smoking thing. I'm trying to quit, it's driving me crazy! I don't think I can handle it, but I'm really gonna try as hard as I can.

Today I've spent hours, just crying because I hate this goddamn country so much, I just wanna get away from here right now. I don't know how I'm gonna survive 3 more years of this crap without committing suicide! Seriously, there's nothing good to it, whatsoever! I miss Malta, I miss England, I miss all the great people there. Swedes are the most boring pathetic people I've ever met, same goes for the country! No wonder it's the country with the second highest number of suicide cases in the world, everything about this country is just depressing. If someone told me I had to stay here for the rest of my life, I would end this life as soon as possible! Whatever you do, never move to Sweden!

xoxo

090816

I'm proud of myself! I haven't had a proper meal for about a week now. And on Tuesday I'm going back to school and that also means going back to skipping breakfast and lunch easily, then it' just dinner I have to suffer through, but I'll manage.

I miss Malta and all the people there so much, it really was the best 3 weeks of my life! Since I got home I've had mental break downs and hysterical crying attacks cause I want to go back so badly, I'm seriously going into depression! In a couple years though I'm hopefully going back as an EF-leader, that would be awesome. And I'm probably going to Malta for holiday next year as usual.

And about the smoking, remember I told you how proud I was for quitting? Well I screwed that up. Malta turned me into a chain smoker! Maybe because it was so easy to get cigarettes there and I had no parents around to check on me. So now I have to suffer from being totally addicted again, I'm trying to kind of quit again, but it's not that easy...

xoxo

090813

I'm not doing so well...

090812

So, I'm home from Malta now, and I think I lost pretty much weight, though I can't check cause my scale is broken >.<

The last day at the beach I fainted because I hadn't eaten anything and drank way too little. It felt proud of myself in one way, fainting like that means I managed to push myself to the limit! And according to my friends I've lost loads. Malin got pretty scared when she saw how thin my arms has gotten. But I'm far from satisfied, I still get hysterical break downs, I need to lose more, cause as it is now, I can't look at myself in the mirror without seeing too much fat. it has to go!

xoxo

090804

Atm I'm at Malta, I've been here for a little over 2 weeks and I'm leaving on Sunday. So far it's been good, with just a few little incidents like Saturday night when my room mate found me lying on the bathroom floor with a razor in my hand and my wrist all messy...

The food is horrible as expected, so I think I've lost a few pounds :D

I don't have much time left for this, I've only got like 10 minutes, so I'm gonna end it like this, I'll tell you more later

xoxo

090715

Okay I'm officially a year older and 8 bloody pounds heavier. The last part makes me depressed, though I think I have solution... In 5 days I'm off to Malta on a language travel thingy, which means no parents for 3 weeks, no mum checking on my meals! And one other positive thing is that from what I've heard, the dinner they will serve us is horrible, so I wont even be tempted to eat much of it. My goal this summer will be weight loss, if I'm lucky I'll reach down to the magical 100 lbs, or even below! The first thing I want to get rid of is my thighs, they're huge, it's a genetic thing and I hate it, they have to go. EF has a few scheduled sports tournaments like volleyball and stuff, I'm totally joining in. Sure, I suck at sports, but I need to move my body to burn calories. I'm gonna do this, I would kill to be skinny again!

090607

I'm having a bad day.

Today I've spent most of my time crying, I'm in a crappy mood and I just want to be left alone, which seems like an impossibility in my house. My sister is everywhere, she wont leave me alone, not even when I'm taking a shower!!

Just had a fight with my mum about food, she annoys me to death.

And I ordered my new phone today, and I'm changing phone company. For some reason they wont let me keep my old number as they promised. So now I'm getting a new fucking number! As if that wasn't enough, I've always had an 076-number and now I'm getting an 070-number, please just kill me.

I think I suffer from a panic disorder, cause I've had these really weird attacks lately when I've been stressed out. I've just been shaking and crying and had headaches.

At least school will be over soon
Prom - 2 days
Graduation - 4 days

Oh and I need to go to my job and get my summer schedule, I keep forgetting about that all the time...

xoxo
Elin

090527

First I want to say that I'm proud of myself, because I've quit smoking. I haven't had one single cigarette for almost a week. I don't think I'm gonna be able to stay away from smoking the whole summer, but I will try my best. And I will absolutely not smoke at all before graduation!

Anyway, today was a pretty good day. Went to school from 8.45 - 12.00, then I went to watch the rugby tournament between all the schools in my town. Our girls team ended up in second place and the guys won, aren't we good ;) Between the games we went to Malin's place to have some lunch. Then these guys that I really don't like came by. I kind of stayed silent in back, I said 10 words at most. They're really not my kind of people. Most of them are teen alcoholics, some of them do drugs, and they all dropped out of school. They've got no ambitions! Some of them are almost 20 years old, they should should start thinking about their future. I used to hang out with them a lot, caused me loads of trouble. One of the guys actually almost raped me, when I was really really drunk. And they made me lose my friends and just a lot of other crap. I prefer to be around more serious people.

Well after the rugby I went home for dinner then I went to my tailor and picked up my prom dress, It's so beautiful! It's cream white silk with big black flowers at the bottom and it reaches just above my knees, I love it <3

In five days we have this big cabaret with school, it's like our final show, cause we're the leavers, and we haven't even got the whole script yet!!! Apparently I've got a very big role, and I don't even know any of my lines yet, how the hell are we supposed to pull this off? It's gonna be a huge disaster.

I can't believe school's out in only two weeks, I mean in two weeks I'm no longer a high school student, I'm almost done with it now! It's gonna be so nice with holidays. Late summer nights, sunbathing, and Malta! And then this fall I'm going to college. I'm gonna have proper lessons again, which I don't have at my current school and it's all gonna be in English, how lovely isn't that?

Anyway, I gotta finish off my maths now, I'll write soon again, I promise

xoxo

090523

6 reasons why today/yesterday really sucked:

- I ate way too much
- My mum found booze in my room, after I promised her just to drink cider
- I'm no longer allowed to drink anything
- My mum doesn't trust me at all
- My mum thinks I'm on drugs
- I picked up an old habit today and once again my wrists are a mess

Oh thought i might tell you something, nobody I know knows about this blog. If the did, I wouldn't be able to be as honest as I am

090517

You know this Jonas guy I was talking about... I think I'm falling for him, more than I ever planned to. I don't know how to handle that, since he's 7 years older and I can't tell people about him. People would talk way too much and my parents would kill me. So if I'm smart, I'm ending this before it goes too far. But a part of me really doesn't want to be smart, cause he's the most amazing guy ever... please just shoot me!

090516

Time: 6:21pm
Food I've had today: a glass of water

As you can see I'm having a bad day today, I feel huge and disgusting. I will have to eat dinner in a while, and I'm panicking cause I really don't want to!

Anyway, about last night. It was awesome! Me, Elin and Anna had our BBQ, Malin couldn't join and I don't know if that was good or bad atm. One thing that went wrong yesterday was the fact that we were supposed to have anna's house to ourselves, but her sister decided to come home, so we decided not to stay there all night. We moved on to fond a more privet place where we could drink and smoke, lol. We were on our way to a park, and stopped to talk to Jonas (Elin's builder and my... something) who was at his parents house. he invited us in and showed us around. And they had 4 adorable little kittens, Ozzy, Kelly, Oliver and Enzo. And I fell in love with one of the bathrooms, it was huge, with a sauna and jacuzzi. I can't describe how beautiful it was!
After half an hour or so we had to move on, and we biked off to that park. I t was freezing but cozy xD
When we had been there for a while Jonas showed up with sweaters, socks and beer. And this is when I stopped being social with Anna and Elin, Jonas is very good at distracting me ;)
Anan got really drunk and I was afraid she wouldn't be able to play sober infront of her parents, but she pulled it off, since they were half asleep when we got home and they had been drinking as well. When we got into her room we made drinks but we fell asleep before we could finish them, lol.

Today we watched Jonas play football (well soccer if you're yank), it went well, they won and the weater was amazing. After the game Jonas drove us home and we fell asleep in Anna's bed again. Damn I love her bed, it's a kingsize! When we woke up, she was having dinenr so I biked home. I might see Jonas tonight :)
Btw, did I mention he's 23? lol

I don't know what else to say, I promise my blog will get more interesting as soon as I get more time over to blog

xoxo
Elin

090515

This feels like a good day so far, okay I woke up only two hours ago, but I've had breakfast, which is good. I'm pretty pleased with myself, for now.

I'm off to school in a few minutes so this will be a quicky.
after school me, Elin, Anna and maybe Malin are having a BBQ. I don't know if Malin's gonna be there or not, since she's ill and she's been a bitch lately. We're not cancelling the BBQ even if she can't come, when we told her that, she went all crazy and yelled at us and I don't want to deal with all that immature crap right now. Anyway, tonight's hopefully gonna be awesome. We'll probably get some company later on ;)

Sorry this update is so short, but I gotta go to school now, don't want to be late ;)

xoxo
Elin

090514

So, first update...
What is there to say?
Well, I'm Elin, I'm 15 years old from Sweden. I've had a few Swedish blogs before, they've all been rubbish, and I hope this one will be better. I think it will, cause this one will be more personal than the others, more real...

So if you're supposed to get to know me, the most important thing for you to know about is my problems. My biggest problem is my weird on-and-off eating disorder, I know I have it, since it is on and off. Right now I'm not suffering from it, but I do a lot. I can look myself and feel so fat, after dinner I can go straight to the bathroom and throw up the little I just ate. On my bad days I skip both breakfast and lunch and throw up my dinner. But at times like these when I'm not suffering from it that much I can tell you that I'm far from fat, I'm 5"7' and I weight 105 lbs, and I've got a BMI of a 5 year old. I want to get rid of these anorectic/bulimic thoughts, but it's hard, I've lived with them for a while now... But as I said it comes and goes. One day I'm feeling perfectly fine, the other day I feel like a fat cow.
















since this pic was taken I've lost a bit more
weight, and as you can see I'm not fat at all.
I know that I will disagree with that some day
but right now I can tell you the truth...

That's all I've got to say now, I need to try to get some sleep, I'm trying to fight my insomnia.

xoxo

Elin