110509

16. Because now that I'm fatter than ever, I hate myself more than I've ever hated myself before!

I'm so deep down in depression. i cry and cut like never before. Wrists. Hips. Thighs. Ribs. They're all slit, covered in cuts. I can't stop. I need to see my psychologist now. But I'm afraid she'll have to tell my parents if I show her my cuts. And I can't tell her I'm suicidal, because then she'll definitely have to tell them. I just wish I had someone to talk to who couldn't tell anybody. This one of the extremely rare moments when I wish I was religious, cause then I could tell a priest and they would be forced to shut up about it!

I can't do this anymore. And I can't stand being around my family. And everyone in school knows I'm a freak cause I break down there too. But my family does not notice. People I hardly know notice, but they don't. My teacher sees it right away. BUT THEY AHVE NO FUCKING CLUE! The think I'm all good now, that I'm happy. That shit was just a phase. Yeah right. I'm a fucking mess. NOTICE

15. To prove that I am devoted enough to something to reach my goal!

Hey nobody (yeah that's right, nobody reads this, sooo..),

Here I am, fat, depressed, and drowning in course work. I have a really bad day today when it comes to looks. No matter what I do I feel ugly. Like extremely ugly. I've changed clothes like 20 times, I've put on my favourite outfits and all, but I hate myself in them anyway. Fuck it!

Can't be bothered writing, too moody -.-

110505

I don't know how many times I've said this, but Man it's been a while!

Haha, haven't posted shit in ages.

But here i am, fat as fuck and totally depressed. I am suspecting Manic Depression. I go from periods of almost euphoria to total downers. So yeah I'm down now. Cut every day, deeper and deeper, and break down crying for no obvious reason, and have very frequent panic attacks. Life kinda sucks right now.

But how about picking up the reasons where I left off?

14. Because I'm happier when I'm thin.

Oh and I have an awesome summer planned! I'm going to work in Greece for 9 weeks, in a bar! Then hopefully taking a detour through Holland on my way back home and staying there for a week with my best friends!

I might come back soon, I will try!

110101

A new year begins, and it is time for new experiences, new friends and new mistakes.

I certainly started out with new mistakes. Well really it was more like old mistake repeated again... I never learn, do I?

And jeez, I haven't updated since September, do I suck or what? So much has happened since then. I fucked things up with the guy I was talking about. Well he was my New Years kiss, but I don't know what that was supposed to mean. He asked me for the kiss, and he kissed me again later, but he is so unpredictable, next time I look at him he's with a fucking fat bitch and they're like all over each other, then he comes back to me and begs me to stay the night there so he could see me in the morning. I mean WTF, make up your mind dude. I'm confused enough as it is already.