100424

I want it. I want it so bad. Why the hell can't I act like I do then, and work for it??

100423

I need some fucking control. I've been eating way too much lately. I sucksucksuck. i've gained back 4 lbs and I'm now 110 huge pounds. Ughm GROSS!

100411

Yesterday started out good. Met up with the Swedish ana girls in town at 1pm. They were really nice and it felt so good having someone to actually talk to. We talked for like 3 hours and we agreed to meet up again soon.

Last night was horrible though. Well I had fun because my friends came over for a movie night, but I binged so hard on tacos, potato crisps, pick and mix candy and chocolate cake. EW. Well I did manage to purge a little before going to bed. I let them use the downstairs bathroom and went upstairs myself to change into PJs and wash my face etc. I had been so good before that. I didn't eat at all, and then BAM. So fucking annoying, bleh!

100409

Okay so the last days have been hard... I've not binged nor purged at all, but I have been forced to eat 'normally' which has been really difficult, and then not being able to purge it up. It's like I have to fight for it not to come up by itself. It's like my body is rejecting food. Well it allows it in, but then it just wants it out again.

Tomorrow I'm seeing the other Swedish ED girls, I really hope it goes fine.

But then tomorrow night my classmates are coming over for a movie night. I fear a binge. And no opportunity to purge. Ugh.

100407

I'm fucked.

They know. THEY. KNOW.

My mum found out about my ED through my b/p -ing. I hate mia. I hate it. I hate it I hate it.

They're gonna watch me like hawks and they've already started feeding me. I'm not allowed to go to the bathroom after eating and they're gonna make me see a psychologist!

And my mum is just angry, as if I made a choice becoming like this. She's not sad, just totally pissed off. But I don't think she knows much about my ana, just mia. And she knows nothing about my blog or any of my forums. But I don't know what to do. I don't want to recover. I haven't reached my goal weight yet. I am still too big, I need to lose more but I don't know how any more!

fuck.

100406/07

My body is just constantly exhausted from purging. My brain is fed up of counting calories and thinking of food and fat. I've purged 3 times today. What the hell have I done to deserve this shit? Fuck ana. Fuck mia. Fuck food. Fuck EVERYTHING!

100406

I'm sitting here, feeling like a fatass. Just had dinner, pasta with tomato sauce. At least I managed to avoid the chicken and the feta cheese my mum put in there.

I'm just so scared. Scared that I'll never be thin enough. Scared that I will never see my body for what it really is. Scared that I will never stop comparing myself to everybody else. Scared that I'll be stuck in this shit for the rest of my life. Scared to death by the thought of ever saying goodbye to ana.

100406

I binged on burned cookies last night. Yup. I am pathetic.

Then I spent the rest of the night purging.

I am such a big fat fail, I mean I'm even failing my eating disorder. Damnit.

Well on Saturday I am meeting up with a bunch of girls from a Swedish ED site. I need to lose a little before then. I am currently 106 lbs. I wish I'd be able to get down to 104 for Saturday, but yeah seeing as I suck at losing weight I'll hope for 105.

I need to be skinnier. I am so disgustingly fat. I look at my thighs and I just wanna puke, because they are so gross. EW!

100402

Pretty good day so far.

Breakfast: Two pieces of wasa crispbread with butter + tea (100-ish)

Then nothing!

And I've been pretty active. Walked I don't know how long through knee deep snow and then spent hours playing with my dog, running around. Dinner's coming up soon, but I think I can manage with little enough. My dad is not suspicious at all, neither does he pay any attention :)

100401

This was my day today:

Breakfast: Yoghurt with cornflakes + tea (60)

Lunch: Cucumber (2-3)

+ Hazelnut Ice cream fuckfuckfuck (270)

Dinner: Pasta with chicken and sauce (?)

Purge

C/S on chocolate with 15 crunches for every chewed piece + 100 crunches, 100 toe lifts and 50 squats after it all.

So yeah, pretty bad today. Damnit, where's my self control?? I disgust myself!