100331

Today I finished school early, 11:50, so I was home around 1 ish. My mum made me have lunch, so I had two pieces of Wasa crispbread with cheese and an apple. And then my mum went out to see a friend, and once again, I purged. I guess I've totally fallen back there again. I sorta feel like I don't care any more. If I feel like purging, then why not do it. I cba wasting energy on stopping myself from it and feel even worse about what I've eaten.

Now I just have to worry about what's or dinner. Then I'm kick boxing tonight, so I'll be burning some FATTT!

This weekend I might go out to our summer house (no, it's not summer yet, still winter/early spring!). There's not much to do there and I'll hopefully get some control over myself and go out running. And I'm bringing my dog so I can use him for excuses for long walks. He's too old and lazy to run though. There's no internet there and no running water. So I'll stink from sweating and I won't be able to write anything here. Might just bring my diary and then give you an update when I get home. I have not decided yet whether I'm going or not yet though. But I think I am, I need to spend some time with my dad.

xoxo

100330

Kinda bad day today.

Apple for breakfast. Then I actually had some lunch in the cafeteria today, about ½ cup pasta with tomato sauce. I'm disappointed in myself, I don't even like the school food, so why the hell do I eat it??. Sausage and potato thingy for dinner. Then purged in the shower. Damnit! I just can't stop myself from doing it any more. I keep telling myself "Today, I won't purge," the BAM I'm in the shower throwing my guts up... I suck!

100329

Yesterday was badbadbad. I binged and purged for the third day in a row. EW. I'm too scared to step up on the scale. I don't want to know how much I've gained!

Today was better though. No breakfast. A rice cake for lunch (32 cals). Rice and chicken for dinner (about 300 cals). And nothing else.

Then I went kick boxing for 1½ hours and I still have my situps etc. to do when I go to bed. Let's hope I can keep on like this for the rest of the week. I feel good.

I will be skinny again!

100327

Oh great, second day in a row that I'm b/p -ing. Damn you Mia, sneaking up on me like that! So today I had 2 eggs, handful of crackers, handful of wine gums and 70g cookie dough. And then up it came again. Fuck. And I have not been running, nor have I been on the cross trainer as I was supposed to. I hate periods.

100326

Today has been so bad, I've binged worse than I've ever binged before!!

This is what I've had today:

An apple

A carrot

Some weird potato thingy

A candy skull

2 pieces of mint mentos

LOADS of Chicken and rice

6(!!!!!) scoops of ice cream

[PURGED in the bathroom at the cinemas]

A handful of crackers

7 pieces of chocolate

Wine gums

A bowl of yoghurt and cereal

3 toast with butter

The worst part is that I'm still craving more!! I feel HUGE! I need to go out for a run tomorrow (I don't care that it's gonna rain), and do a couple of hours on the cross trainer and double my situps tonight. This is not acceptable. I'm just so scared my ED's gonna change direction and turn into a binging disorder instead of ana/ednos. This. Is. Crap. I wish my head wasn't so fucked up. I wish I didn't spend all my time counting calories in my head. I wish I didn't have those binges. I wish I could be thinner. I wish I could be better. I wish I could be normal. I wish I wasn't afraid of being normal.

xoxo

100321

Weather sucks today. I mean it was lovely yesterday, but today it's snowing like crazy again! Bleh!

Last night I was made Moderator of my ED forums, made me super happy. I did not see that coming. I had no idea I was that popular over there, haha. Well this sure has motivated me even more. I it's a huge honour and I don't wanna let people down. I don't wanna let me down. So now I feel like I have a reason to work even harder. This is awesome!

xoxo

100320

Okay so I just spent 2 hours on the cross trainer, high speed. I guess I burned off my binge and hopefully some extra cals too. Tomorrow I'm not gonna binge and I'll try to find time to do the same time on the cross trainer again.

xoxo

100320

Damnit! I've binged so hard today, stupid chocolate!!! No more food for me today, no way! And I'll have to work out extra hard! Whywhywhy can't I control myself??? I need to be skinny! FUCK!

At least the weather is nice, it's actually spring today.

xoxo

100319

It's half past 5 and I just got home from school. Fridays suck that way.

It's raining outside. That's good, hopefully it will wash this bloody snow away, I'm so fed up with it, I just wanna be sick all over it!

My sister is unfortunately coming home in a few hours, it's been so nice having her gone. I wish she could stay away for another 3 lifetimes or so. She is just horrible.

So far today I've only had 2/3 of an apple and I feel awesome. Everybody was eating candy today, there was chocolate (!!) everywhere and they all offered me some. Linnea held a piece in front of my face and made me smell it. She was talking about the amazing taste of it and all that. I just sat there and changed her words in my head. Instead of hearing "amazing taste of strawberry and lemon" and "oh that perfect sweetness combined with the sour" I made myself hear "all these calories that will run straight to your thighs" and "enjoy it and get FAT". I must say it worked, because I did not want the candy at all and they all gave up on trying to make me.

My friend Eva is getting really annoying. She's always telling me to eat. Every time I shiver from the cold she tells me it's because I don't eat and that I need to fatten up. I'm 107 lbs for gods sake, I do NOT need to fatten up! I wish she could just shut the hell up for once! Don't get me wrong, she's really nice and all, except for when it comes to this. Then I just wanna kill her!

xoxo

100315

Got back from kick boxing like 2 hours ago. It. Was. Awesome. I am so continuing doing it. But I need to work on my abs, they're weakweakweak, haha. And I thought I was doing good with them. I guess I'll just have to add an extra hundred of crunches every night.

Oh and this girl who was there with her friend was so skinny! Seriously, there's no way her thigh we're any bigger than 12 inches, not kidding. And she was tall. Live thinspo, wooohooo! And her friend, who's in the group was really skinny too.

And omg the guys. So well trained. Those muscles, rawr! After practice when the rest of us were like totally exhausted, this one dude get's up on his hand, feet in the air and starts doing push ups, i mean come on, how's that possible??? LOL

Well I'm off to burn some cals now, then sleep!

xoxo

100315

YESYESYES!!

My sister is out and won't be returning for 5 days. Ahh, finally some peace and quiet around here! But of course she woke me up at 8:15 when I have the day off to help her carry out her bags. BLEH!

100314

I've decided to get better at blogging, because I suck, big time!

So today I've been home alone, which has be nice. = Minimal breakfast, dinner flushed down the toilet and lot's of exercise.

Now I'm so hungry. My stomach is shouting at me. Demanding me to fill it. But I won't, I'm stronger than that. I won't give in! I won't give up!

I really need to work on my self control, because it's badbadbad. When I open the cupboards that voice is screaming at me to close it and go do some push-ups instead. But my body won't listen. My hand will reach out to that piece of bread or that rice cake or what ever is in front of me and it will shove it in my mouth and my teeth will chewchewchew and then comes the biggest betrayal of all when I swallow it. I don't want to, but it is as if I'm not in charge of myslef, like someone else is controlling my moves. All I can do is scream inside and crycrycry. It sucks!

Today I finished reading Wintergirls by Laurie Halse Anderson. Great book, full of motivation. I wish I was as strong as Lia, but I am not. One day I will be. I will be the strongest, thinnest, most beautiful and successful person who ever walked this earth!

who am I kidding? I could never be that, but that is my goal. if I don't reach it, I guess I'll just have to die trying.

Tomorrow I'm gonna start kick boxing. So stoked! I'm gonna have fun, get thin and strong and learn how to kick my sisters ass, all at the same time. Awesome!

And on Thursday me and my friends are going to start playing badminton. That is perfect because then I can move my gross fatty body and spend time with my friends instead of sitting around doing nothing for 2 hours, waiting for Chinese class to start.

Oh oh oh, almost forgot to mention: My sister is going to Finland for a week tomorrow! It's gonna be so nice having her gone! She's horrible and she's always trying to feed me, and whenever I refuse to eat whatever she's trying to shove down my throat she starts saying I'm on a diet, a fucking anorexia kid and that she's gonna run to mummy saying "Elin's on a diet, she's not stuffing her face with cookies, have her locked up mummy, make her FATTTT". I wish she could just leave me the fuck alone! I can't wait till she moves out. I can wait till I move out!

xoxo

100311

I suck at blogging, I know.

So, I am now 107lbs, slowly creeping downwards. I was stuck at 108 for ages so when I weighed myself this morning I made a little happy dance! I know, 1lb is not much but it's something and it made my day! I'm gonna try to stay below 600 calories today, should be easy enough. Then come home, work out, and burn 800 off, yay.

But yeah, I'm off to school now, I'll be back!

xoxo