100530

Shit, I've been away from here for some time.

Well I'm at 110, which sucks. I'm fat. I'm disgusting. I'm a failure.

I've been to my first meeting with the therapist at the ED department. I bullshitted my way through the whole meeting, telling them I used to purge for a while, that I'd never starved myself and that all that remained of an ED was some silly thoughts that I could totally control. Yeah right, lol. I also wore like heavy jeans, layers of shirts and keys in my pocket + drank loads of water before being weighed, so they think I'm 113.5 lbs. They believed me and they're passing me on to the angst/panic disorder department instead. That's good, because that's things that I honestly want to get rid of.

I should be revising now, I've got a physics exam tomorrow, history on Tuesday, and maths on Thursday. Plus I've got an English paragraph on Pride and Prejudice to write for Tuesday. But then it will be over. No more until August!

xxx

100511

I reallyreallyreally hate breakfast. It ruins my whole day! I never ever want to have breakfast again in my life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fuck.

100510

I feel horrible. Today was the first time in ages that I binged without purging and I can feel the fat adding to my body. It's disgusting. I feel so helpless, I'm panicking, I'm out of control here!!! Tomorrow's gotta be a good day.

I hate breakfast, that is what fucks up my entire day. if I start out empty it's much easier to stay empty. But if I have breakfast I don't get the same motivation. Damnit.

100508

Yesterday was a bad day again. First I was forced to have breakfast again. Then no lunch (that's the only good thing), then ice cream, then a massive chocolate cupcake, then pancakes with whipped cream and jam, then a kit kat and m&m's then massive sandwich-crisps-and cookie-binge + purging. Ugh!

I had fun yesterday though, I went to the theatre with people from my class and saw A Midsummer Night's Dream. It was not the classical version though. It was mixed with stand up comedy and it was set at a reggae festival. It was hilarious! Though one old man was offended by Puck and his stand up and went up and left, that was a bit awkward, lol.

Today I've had a massive breakfast and it feels horrible, and I have a feeling the rest of the day is gonna be just as bad. That's what I hate about Mia. The typical "Oh what the hell, today's already ruined" thoughts. I wish Mia would fuck off and let Ana take over!!

100506

I'm proud of myself! Yes I did it, I had a cup of tea for breakfast and then nothing but water, gum, and half a rice cake(18) until dinner. Yay me!

I had to eat a little more than I planned for dinner though, because my sister insisted on sitting down at the table to 'keep me company' (read: watch me) while I ate. But still a good day. I wonder how much I weigh now, I'm curious because I haven't been able to check in a while. i refuse to weigh myself when I'm not empty (= second thing I do in the morning after going to the bathroom) because if I've eaten it's not accurate. I should get my own scale and hide it somewhere. I also lost my tape measure so I need to buy one of those as well.

100506

Yesterday I was bad. I binged massively and purged. Today I'm gonna be good. Starting off with a cup of tea for breakfast as it is my sleep in and nobody is watching me eat. Then there's gonna be no lunch. And I will leave my wallet at home so I can't go by candy or other binge things even if I want to. And it's a late day in school so I'll be eating dinner on my own = hopefully almost no dinner at all. I have a good feeling about this day!

xoxo

100505

This is what I'm doing to myself, it's kind of scary to see it all summed up together like that. i hate this shit, but at the same time I love it. This is what I am sacrificing to be thin. I wish I could get rid of bulimia though and be a pure anorexic. Pure and empty.

(fail! click the pic to see it all!)

100504

I binged and purged in school today.

Yep, that's right. When the rest of my class ends I have 1½ hours before my next class (Chinese) starts at another school. I had been craving sweet stuff all day and I had been imagining a binge on chocolate chip cookies. I tried to stop myself, but I couldn't. So on my way to the other school I went into the supermarket, bought an 8-pack of cookies and then as soon as I got there I went straight into the bathroom. I ripped the package open (yes literally ripped it, with force) and started by chewing/spitting the first two, then I couldn't control myself and just stuffed the rest down my throat. Then I purged. I had to do it in the sink instead of in the toilet, because the tap is the kind that you have to press every few seconds to keep the water running. I think a few people went in and out while I was there and they probably heard a few unpleasant things. But nobody was there when I got out, so I'm just hoping nobody from my Chinese class saw me go in and then went in and heard me. Not that it matters too much though, because I hardly know any of them anyway.

When I came home I was forced to have dinner, so I ate, then I took a shower and purged again.

I'm sorry about all the details in this post, but as you can tell, my day was crap.

100503

Okay once again it's been ages since I posted anything. I suck, I know.

Well at least I've been better with eating, or not eating that is. I am down to 107 lbs again. 3 lbs down to my next GW. I need to figure out a reward for myself for when I get there soon, because hopefully it wont take too long to reach.

I'm off to bed now, night! x