100315

YESYESYES!!

My sister is out and won't be returning for 5 days. Ahh, finally some peace and quiet around here! But of course she woke me up at 8:15 when I have the day off to help her carry out her bags. BLEH!

100314

I've decided to get better at blogging, because I suck, big time!

So today I've been home alone, which has be nice. = Minimal breakfast, dinner flushed down the toilet and lot's of exercise.

Now I'm so hungry. My stomach is shouting at me. Demanding me to fill it. But I won't, I'm stronger than that. I won't give in! I won't give up!

I really need to work on my self control, because it's badbadbad. When I open the cupboards that voice is screaming at me to close it and go do some push-ups instead. But my body won't listen. My hand will reach out to that piece of bread or that rice cake or what ever is in front of me and it will shove it in my mouth and my teeth will chewchewchew and then comes the biggest betrayal of all when I swallow it. I don't want to, but it is as if I'm not in charge of myslef, like someone else is controlling my moves. All I can do is scream inside and crycrycry. It sucks!

Today I finished reading Wintergirls by Laurie Halse Anderson. Great book, full of motivation. I wish I was as strong as Lia, but I am not. One day I will be. I will be the strongest, thinnest, most beautiful and successful person who ever walked this earth!

who am I kidding? I could never be that, but that is my goal. if I don't reach it, I guess I'll just have to die trying.

Tomorrow I'm gonna start kick boxing. So stoked! I'm gonna have fun, get thin and strong and learn how to kick my sisters ass, all at the same time. Awesome!

And on Thursday me and my friends are going to start playing badminton. That is perfect because then I can move my gross fatty body and spend time with my friends instead of sitting around doing nothing for 2 hours, waiting for Chinese class to start.

Oh oh oh, almost forgot to mention: My sister is going to Finland for a week tomorrow! It's gonna be so nice having her gone! She's horrible and she's always trying to feed me, and whenever I refuse to eat whatever she's trying to shove down my throat she starts saying I'm on a diet, a fucking anorexia kid and that she's gonna run to mummy saying "Elin's on a diet, she's not stuffing her face with cookies, have her locked up mummy, make her FATTTT". I wish she could just leave me the fuck alone! I can't wait till she moves out. I can wait till I move out!

xoxo

100311

I suck at blogging, I know.

So, I am now 107lbs, slowly creeping downwards. I was stuck at 108 for ages so when I weighed myself this morning I made a little happy dance! I know, 1lb is not much but it's something and it made my day! I'm gonna try to stay below 600 calories today, should be easy enough. Then come home, work out, and burn 800 off, yay.

But yeah, I'm off to school now, I'll be back!

xoxo

100209

I've lost another 2lbs! :)

I'm feeling good today, though I ate a bit too much dinner. But year other tahn that I've lived off water and LOW CAL rice cakes, how awesome isn't that? That's my new diet, rice cakes and water, then have dinner when I get home if I have to. I'm gonna try to stop purging though, I don't wanna ruin my teeth. I mean if I stick to my plan and exercise a lot I should be able to reach 100lbs pretty soon, eh? It's only 8lbs left :D

Damn I'm having a good day, WOOOHOOO!! I'm on the top of the world! And soon, I'll be light enough to fly even higher.

I will make it. I will be thin!!

xoxo

100206

Yeah...

I haven't blogged in ages. I am a total fail. I am fat.

I will lose weight again again though. In fact I'm already losing. I've lost a bit over 2lbs since I decided to go skinny again, which is like 4 days ago or something. Well I know that's not a lot, but I will be down to 100 lbs so for now I've got 10lbs to lose, and I WILL!

And, well about the picture, my collarbone is the only part of my body that is okay...

xoxo

091116

Long time, no see eh?

Well I've been very busy. School's taking up all my time, it's crazy. Pretty much all I do is study, and yet I'm failing maths and biology, which sucks, since I need both subjects for next year. Maths will only be Studies Level, so that's cool, but I will have to do Bio Higher Level. I. Will. Die. For sure. Bleehh!

I've finally started exercising. I walk 7 km, 3 times/week. And quit smoking on ordinary days, I'm only a party smoker now. As for the food bit, I only eat one 'proper' meal every day. I've only lost 1 pound since last time though, which is far from enough. I need to lose at least 12 more to begin with! My goal now is to get skinnier than Carolina, a girl in my class. She is so beautiful and skinny, I really envy her! She denies it though, she says I'm skinnier, but I'm really not. But one day I will be. I've got this year school year to reach there, then she'll be moving to Brazil for a year and I will have nothing to compare with. It's game on now, I'm gonna do this, no matter what it takes! Arrgghh!

I wanted to keep all my problems a secret from my new class, unfortunately I screwed up. They all know about my panic disorder now. I had an attack in English this Friday. I started shaking and crying, screaming at my friend to get me out of there. It sure made people whisper and stare at me the rest of the day. Luckily people seems to have forgotten about it over the weekend. But of course I screwed up again in history today. I was a bit more discrete this time. I just started shaking and asked my teacher, choking on tears, if I could please leave because I wasn't feeling well. But that was enough to attract unwanted attention again. I've been getting worrying texts all day from people wanting to know what happened and if I'm okay and blahblahblah. I'll do my best to keep my nerves under control for a while now..

xoxo

091004

Hey...
I know haven't been blogging for ages, but I've been so busy with school, I haven't even had time to see my friends, so now they hate me, and so do I. Why? Because I've gained weight again. At the end of the summer I was skinny, but now I'm 113 bloody lbs!! Fuck it! I need to go down again...

Well, enough about that, it's only making me depressed.

I love my new classmates, they're all awesome. And this one girl, Iza, is just as crazy and weird as I am, which feels kinda good.

I'm sorry, but that's all I have to say for now, I need to go back to my homework.

xoxo