100327

Oh great, second day in a row that I'm b/p -ing. Damn you Mia, sneaking up on me like that! So today I had 2 eggs, handful of crackers, handful of wine gums and 70g cookie dough. And then up it came again. Fuck. And I have not been running, nor have I been on the cross trainer as I was supposed to. I hate periods.

100326

Today has been so bad, I've binged worse than I've ever binged before!!

This is what I've had today:

An apple

A carrot

Some weird potato thingy

A candy skull

2 pieces of mint mentos

LOADS of Chicken and rice

6(!!!!!) scoops of ice cream

[PURGED in the bathroom at the cinemas]

A handful of crackers

7 pieces of chocolate

Wine gums

A bowl of yoghurt and cereal

3 toast with butter

The worst part is that I'm still craving more!! I feel HUGE! I need to go out for a run tomorrow (I don't care that it's gonna rain), and do a couple of hours on the cross trainer and double my situps tonight. This is not acceptable. I'm just so scared my ED's gonna change direction and turn into a binging disorder instead of ana/ednos. This. Is. Crap. I wish my head wasn't so fucked up. I wish I didn't spend all my time counting calories in my head. I wish I didn't have those binges. I wish I could be thinner. I wish I could be better. I wish I could be normal. I wish I wasn't afraid of being normal.

xoxo

100321

Weather sucks today. I mean it was lovely yesterday, but today it's snowing like crazy again! Bleh!

Last night I was made Moderator of my ED forums, made me super happy. I did not see that coming. I had no idea I was that popular over there, haha. Well this sure has motivated me even more. I it's a huge honour and I don't wanna let people down. I don't wanna let me down. So now I feel like I have a reason to work even harder. This is awesome!

xoxo

100320

Okay so I just spent 2 hours on the cross trainer, high speed. I guess I burned off my binge and hopefully some extra cals too. Tomorrow I'm not gonna binge and I'll try to find time to do the same time on the cross trainer again.

xoxo

100320

Damnit! I've binged so hard today, stupid chocolate!!! No more food for me today, no way! And I'll have to work out extra hard! Whywhywhy can't I control myself??? I need to be skinny! FUCK!

At least the weather is nice, it's actually spring today.

xoxo

100319

It's half past 5 and I just got home from school. Fridays suck that way.

It's raining outside. That's good, hopefully it will wash this bloody snow away, I'm so fed up with it, I just wanna be sick all over it!

My sister is unfortunately coming home in a few hours, it's been so nice having her gone. I wish she could stay away for another 3 lifetimes or so. She is just horrible.

So far today I've only had 2/3 of an apple and I feel awesome. Everybody was eating candy today, there was chocolate (!!) everywhere and they all offered me some. Linnea held a piece in front of my face and made me smell it. She was talking about the amazing taste of it and all that. I just sat there and changed her words in my head. Instead of hearing "amazing taste of strawberry and lemon" and "oh that perfect sweetness combined with the sour" I made myself hear "all these calories that will run straight to your thighs" and "enjoy it and get FAT". I must say it worked, because I did not want the candy at all and they all gave up on trying to make me.

My friend Eva is getting really annoying. She's always telling me to eat. Every time I shiver from the cold she tells me it's because I don't eat and that I need to fatten up. I'm 107 lbs for gods sake, I do NOT need to fatten up! I wish she could just shut the hell up for once! Don't get me wrong, she's really nice and all, except for when it comes to this. Then I just wanna kill her!

xoxo

100315

Got back from kick boxing like 2 hours ago. It. Was. Awesome. I am so continuing doing it. But I need to work on my abs, they're weakweakweak, haha. And I thought I was doing good with them. I guess I'll just have to add an extra hundred of crunches every night.

Oh and this girl who was there with her friend was so skinny! Seriously, there's no way her thigh we're any bigger than 12 inches, not kidding. And she was tall. Live thinspo, wooohooo! And her friend, who's in the group was really skinny too.

And omg the guys. So well trained. Those muscles, rawr! After practice when the rest of us were like totally exhausted, this one dude get's up on his hand, feet in the air and starts doing push ups, i mean come on, how's that possible??? LOL

Well I'm off to burn some cals now, then sleep!

xoxo