100401

This was my day today:

Breakfast: Yoghurt with cornflakes + tea (60)

Lunch: Cucumber (2-3)

+ Hazelnut Ice cream fuckfuckfuck (270)

Dinner: Pasta with chicken and sauce (?)

Purge

C/S on chocolate with 15 crunches for every chewed piece + 100 crunches, 100 toe lifts and 50 squats after it all.

So yeah, pretty bad today. Damnit, where's my self control?? I disgust myself!

100331

Today I finished school early, 11:50, so I was home around 1 ish. My mum made me have lunch, so I had two pieces of Wasa crispbread with cheese and an apple. And then my mum went out to see a friend, and once again, I purged. I guess I've totally fallen back there again. I sorta feel like I don't care any more. If I feel like purging, then why not do it. I cba wasting energy on stopping myself from it and feel even worse about what I've eaten.

Now I just have to worry about what's or dinner. Then I'm kick boxing tonight, so I'll be burning some FATTT!

This weekend I might go out to our summer house (no, it's not summer yet, still winter/early spring!). There's not much to do there and I'll hopefully get some control over myself and go out running. And I'm bringing my dog so I can use him for excuses for long walks. He's too old and lazy to run though. There's no internet there and no running water. So I'll stink from sweating and I won't be able to write anything here. Might just bring my diary and then give you an update when I get home. I have not decided yet whether I'm going or not yet though. But I think I am, I need to spend some time with my dad.

xoxo

100330

Kinda bad day today.

Apple for breakfast. Then I actually had some lunch in the cafeteria today, about ½ cup pasta with tomato sauce. I'm disappointed in myself, I don't even like the school food, so why the hell do I eat it??. Sausage and potato thingy for dinner. Then purged in the shower. Damnit! I just can't stop myself from doing it any more. I keep telling myself "Today, I won't purge," the BAM I'm in the shower throwing my guts up... I suck!

100329

Yesterday was badbadbad. I binged and purged for the third day in a row. EW. I'm too scared to step up on the scale. I don't want to know how much I've gained!

Today was better though. No breakfast. A rice cake for lunch (32 cals). Rice and chicken for dinner (about 300 cals). And nothing else.

Then I went kick boxing for 1½ hours and I still have my situps etc. to do when I go to bed. Let's hope I can keep on like this for the rest of the week. I feel good.

I will be skinny again!

100327

Oh great, second day in a row that I'm b/p -ing. Damn you Mia, sneaking up on me like that! So today I had 2 eggs, handful of crackers, handful of wine gums and 70g cookie dough. And then up it came again. Fuck. And I have not been running, nor have I been on the cross trainer as I was supposed to. I hate periods.

100326

Today has been so bad, I've binged worse than I've ever binged before!!

This is what I've had today:

An apple

A carrot

Some weird potato thingy

A candy skull

2 pieces of mint mentos

LOADS of Chicken and rice

6(!!!!!) scoops of ice cream

[PURGED in the bathroom at the cinemas]

A handful of crackers

7 pieces of chocolate

Wine gums

A bowl of yoghurt and cereal

3 toast with butter

The worst part is that I'm still craving more!! I feel HUGE! I need to go out for a run tomorrow (I don't care that it's gonna rain), and do a couple of hours on the cross trainer and double my situps tonight. This is not acceptable. I'm just so scared my ED's gonna change direction and turn into a binging disorder instead of ana/ednos. This. Is. Crap. I wish my head wasn't so fucked up. I wish I didn't spend all my time counting calories in my head. I wish I didn't have those binges. I wish I could be thinner. I wish I could be better. I wish I could be normal. I wish I wasn't afraid of being normal.

xoxo

100321

Weather sucks today. I mean it was lovely yesterday, but today it's snowing like crazy again! Bleh!

Last night I was made Moderator of my ED forums, made me super happy. I did not see that coming. I had no idea I was that popular over there, haha. Well this sure has motivated me even more. I it's a huge honour and I don't wanna let people down. I don't wanna let me down. So now I feel like I have a reason to work even harder. This is awesome!

xoxo