100406

I'm sitting here, feeling like a fatass. Just had dinner, pasta with tomato sauce. At least I managed to avoid the chicken and the feta cheese my mum put in there.

I'm just so scared. Scared that I'll never be thin enough. Scared that I will never see my body for what it really is. Scared that I will never stop comparing myself to everybody else. Scared that I'll be stuck in this shit for the rest of my life. Scared to death by the thought of ever saying goodbye to ana.

100406

I binged on burned cookies last night. Yup. I am pathetic.

Then I spent the rest of the night purging.

I am such a big fat fail, I mean I'm even failing my eating disorder. Damnit.

Well on Saturday I am meeting up with a bunch of girls from a Swedish ED site. I need to lose a little before then. I am currently 106 lbs. I wish I'd be able to get down to 104 for Saturday, but yeah seeing as I suck at losing weight I'll hope for 105.

I need to be skinnier. I am so disgustingly fat. I look at my thighs and I just wanna puke, because they are so gross. EW!

100402

Pretty good day so far.

Breakfast: Two pieces of wasa crispbread with butter + tea (100-ish)

Then nothing!

And I've been pretty active. Walked I don't know how long through knee deep snow and then spent hours playing with my dog, running around. Dinner's coming up soon, but I think I can manage with little enough. My dad is not suspicious at all, neither does he pay any attention :)

100401

This was my day today:

Breakfast: Yoghurt with cornflakes + tea (60)

Lunch: Cucumber (2-3)

+ Hazelnut Ice cream fuckfuckfuck (270)

Dinner: Pasta with chicken and sauce (?)

Purge

C/S on chocolate with 15 crunches for every chewed piece + 100 crunches, 100 toe lifts and 50 squats after it all.

So yeah, pretty bad today. Damnit, where's my self control?? I disgust myself!

100331

Today I finished school early, 11:50, so I was home around 1 ish. My mum made me have lunch, so I had two pieces of Wasa crispbread with cheese and an apple. And then my mum went out to see a friend, and once again, I purged. I guess I've totally fallen back there again. I sorta feel like I don't care any more. If I feel like purging, then why not do it. I cba wasting energy on stopping myself from it and feel even worse about what I've eaten.

Now I just have to worry about what's or dinner. Then I'm kick boxing tonight, so I'll be burning some FATTT!

This weekend I might go out to our summer house (no, it's not summer yet, still winter/early spring!). There's not much to do there and I'll hopefully get some control over myself and go out running. And I'm bringing my dog so I can use him for excuses for long walks. He's too old and lazy to run though. There's no internet there and no running water. So I'll stink from sweating and I won't be able to write anything here. Might just bring my diary and then give you an update when I get home. I have not decided yet whether I'm going or not yet though. But I think I am, I need to spend some time with my dad.

xoxo

100330

Kinda bad day today.

Apple for breakfast. Then I actually had some lunch in the cafeteria today, about ½ cup pasta with tomato sauce. I'm disappointed in myself, I don't even like the school food, so why the hell do I eat it??. Sausage and potato thingy for dinner. Then purged in the shower. Damnit! I just can't stop myself from doing it any more. I keep telling myself "Today, I won't purge," the BAM I'm in the shower throwing my guts up... I suck!

100329

Yesterday was badbadbad. I binged and purged for the third day in a row. EW. I'm too scared to step up on the scale. I don't want to know how much I've gained!

Today was better though. No breakfast. A rice cake for lunch (32 cals). Rice and chicken for dinner (about 300 cals). And nothing else.

Then I went kick boxing for 1½ hours and I still have my situps etc. to do when I go to bed. Let's hope I can keep on like this for the rest of the week. I feel good.

I will be skinny again!