091116

Long time, no see eh?

Well I've been very busy. School's taking up all my time, it's crazy. Pretty much all I do is study, and yet I'm failing maths and biology, which sucks, since I need both subjects for next year. Maths will only be Studies Level, so that's cool, but I will have to do Bio Higher Level. I. Will. Die. For sure. Bleehh!

I've finally started exercising. I walk 7 km, 3 times/week. And quit smoking on ordinary days, I'm only a party smoker now. As for the food bit, I only eat one 'proper' meal every day. I've only lost 1 pound since last time though, which is far from enough. I need to lose at least 12 more to begin with! My goal now is to get skinnier than Carolina, a girl in my class. She is so beautiful and skinny, I really envy her! She denies it though, she says I'm skinnier, but I'm really not. But one day I will be. I've got this year school year to reach there, then she'll be moving to Brazil for a year and I will have nothing to compare with. It's game on now, I'm gonna do this, no matter what it takes! Arrgghh!

I wanted to keep all my problems a secret from my new class, unfortunately I screwed up. They all know about my panic disorder now. I had an attack in English this Friday. I started shaking and crying, screaming at my friend to get me out of there. It sure made people whisper and stare at me the rest of the day. Luckily people seems to have forgotten about it over the weekend. But of course I screwed up again in history today. I was a bit more discrete this time. I just started shaking and asked my teacher, choking on tears, if I could please leave because I wasn't feeling well. But that was enough to attract unwanted attention again. I've been getting worrying texts all day from people wanting to know what happened and if I'm okay and blahblahblah. I'll do my best to keep my nerves under control for a while now..

xoxo

091004

Hey...
I know haven't been blogging for ages, but I've been so busy with school, I haven't even had time to see my friends, so now they hate me, and so do I. Why? Because I've gained weight again. At the end of the summer I was skinny, but now I'm 113 bloody lbs!! Fuck it! I need to go down again...

Well, enough about that, it's only making me depressed.

I love my new classmates, they're all awesome. And this one girl, Iza, is just as crazy and weird as I am, which feels kinda good.

I'm sorry, but that's all I have to say for now, I need to go back to my homework.

xoxo

090822

I've been pretty good at skipping meals without my parents noticing, for breakfast i usually have an apple on the bus and for lunch either nothing or some "filmjölk" which is a Swedish thing that is kind of like a yoghurt with almost no fat and no sugar and low calories. My new friends kind of noticed me not eating. One day I had normal lunch, and one girl went like "wow, first time I see you eat". Then of course I have to eat dinner, but I can usually manage to throw at least half of every meal since I finish school so late, so I have to eat alone, cause the others in my family eats earlier. But this weekend I've had to eat way too much, cause I've had every meal with my parents, so I feel fat!

Since my scale broke I've had to check width instead of weight. So, my wrists are 5.2 inches, my waist is 23 inches and I don't really want to tell you the width of my thighs, but since I promised to be totally honest here I guess I have to, so the fattest part of my thighs are 16 inches >.<

And about the smoking thing. I'm trying to quit, it's driving me crazy! I don't think I can handle it, but I'm really gonna try as hard as I can.

Today I've spent hours, just crying because I hate this goddamn country so much, I just wanna get away from here right now. I don't know how I'm gonna survive 3 more years of this crap without committing suicide! Seriously, there's nothing good to it, whatsoever! I miss Malta, I miss England, I miss all the great people there. Swedes are the most boring pathetic people I've ever met, same goes for the country! No wonder it's the country with the second highest number of suicide cases in the world, everything about this country is just depressing. If someone told me I had to stay here for the rest of my life, I would end this life as soon as possible! Whatever you do, never move to Sweden!

xoxo

090816

I'm proud of myself! I haven't had a proper meal for about a week now. And on Tuesday I'm going back to school and that also means going back to skipping breakfast and lunch easily, then it' just dinner I have to suffer through, but I'll manage.

I miss Malta and all the people there so much, it really was the best 3 weeks of my life! Since I got home I've had mental break downs and hysterical crying attacks cause I want to go back so badly, I'm seriously going into depression! In a couple years though I'm hopefully going back as an EF-leader, that would be awesome. And I'm probably going to Malta for holiday next year as usual.

And about the smoking, remember I told you how proud I was for quitting? Well I screwed that up. Malta turned me into a chain smoker! Maybe because it was so easy to get cigarettes there and I had no parents around to check on me. So now I have to suffer from being totally addicted again, I'm trying to kind of quit again, but it's not that easy...

xoxo

090813

I'm not doing so well...

090812

So, I'm home from Malta now, and I think I lost pretty much weight, though I can't check cause my scale is broken >.<

The last day at the beach I fainted because I hadn't eaten anything and drank way too little. It felt proud of myself in one way, fainting like that means I managed to push myself to the limit! And according to my friends I've lost loads. Malin got pretty scared when she saw how thin my arms has gotten. But I'm far from satisfied, I still get hysterical break downs, I need to lose more, cause as it is now, I can't look at myself in the mirror without seeing too much fat. it has to go!

xoxo

090804

Atm I'm at Malta, I've been here for a little over 2 weeks and I'm leaving on Sunday. So far it's been good, with just a few little incidents like Saturday night when my room mate found me lying on the bathroom floor with a razor in my hand and my wrist all messy...

The food is horrible as expected, so I think I've lost a few pounds :D

I don't have much time left for this, I've only got like 10 minutes, so I'm gonna end it like this, I'll tell you more later

xoxo