100331

Today I finished school early, 11:50, so I was home around 1 ish. My mum made me have lunch, so I had two pieces of Wasa crispbread with cheese and an apple. And then my mum went out to see a friend, and once again, I purged. I guess I've totally fallen back there again. I sorta feel like I don't care any more. If I feel like purging, then why not do it. I cba wasting energy on stopping myself from it and feel even worse about what I've eaten.

Now I just have to worry about what's or dinner. Then I'm kick boxing tonight, so I'll be burning some FATTT!

This weekend I might go out to our summer house (no, it's not summer yet, still winter/early spring!). There's not much to do there and I'll hopefully get some control over myself and go out running. And I'm bringing my dog so I can use him for excuses for long walks. He's too old and lazy to run though. There's no internet there and no running water. So I'll stink from sweating and I won't be able to write anything here. Might just bring my diary and then give you an update when I get home. I have not decided yet whether I'm going or not yet though. But I think I am, I need to spend some time with my dad.

xoxo

100330

Kinda bad day today.

Apple for breakfast. Then I actually had some lunch in the cafeteria today, about ½ cup pasta with tomato sauce. I'm disappointed in myself, I don't even like the school food, so why the hell do I eat it??. Sausage and potato thingy for dinner. Then purged in the shower. Damnit! I just can't stop myself from doing it any more. I keep telling myself "Today, I won't purge," the BAM I'm in the shower throwing my guts up... I suck!

100329

Yesterday was badbadbad. I binged and purged for the third day in a row. EW. I'm too scared to step up on the scale. I don't want to know how much I've gained!

Today was better though. No breakfast. A rice cake for lunch (32 cals). Rice and chicken for dinner (about 300 cals). And nothing else.

Then I went kick boxing for 1½ hours and I still have my situps etc. to do when I go to bed. Let's hope I can keep on like this for the rest of the week. I feel good.

I will be skinny again!

100327

Oh great, second day in a row that I'm b/p -ing. Damn you Mia, sneaking up on me like that! So today I had 2 eggs, handful of crackers, handful of wine gums and 70g cookie dough. And then up it came again. Fuck. And I have not been running, nor have I been on the cross trainer as I was supposed to. I hate periods.

100326

Today has been so bad, I've binged worse than I've ever binged before!!

This is what I've had today:

An apple

A carrot

Some weird potato thingy

A candy skull

2 pieces of mint mentos

LOADS of Chicken and rice

6(!!!!!) scoops of ice cream

[PURGED in the bathroom at the cinemas]

A handful of crackers

7 pieces of chocolate

Wine gums

A bowl of yoghurt and cereal

3 toast with butter

The worst part is that I'm still craving more!! I feel HUGE! I need to go out for a run tomorrow (I don't care that it's gonna rain), and do a couple of hours on the cross trainer and double my situps tonight. This is not acceptable. I'm just so scared my ED's gonna change direction and turn into a binging disorder instead of ana/ednos. This. Is. Crap. I wish my head wasn't so fucked up. I wish I didn't spend all my time counting calories in my head. I wish I didn't have those binges. I wish I could be thinner. I wish I could be better. I wish I could be normal. I wish I wasn't afraid of being normal.

xoxo

100321

Weather sucks today. I mean it was lovely yesterday, but today it's snowing like crazy again! Bleh!

Last night I was made Moderator of my ED forums, made me super happy. I did not see that coming. I had no idea I was that popular over there, haha. Well this sure has motivated me even more. I it's a huge honour and I don't wanna let people down. I don't wanna let me down. So now I feel like I have a reason to work even harder. This is awesome!

xoxo

100320

Okay so I just spent 2 hours on the cross trainer, high speed. I guess I burned off my binge and hopefully some extra cals too. Tomorrow I'm not gonna binge and I'll try to find time to do the same time on the cross trainer again.

xoxo